Love Destructrix Does RUDE Magazine

NIKKI AWESOME DOLLS IN PARIS RITZ

Bit late in the day to be posting this but it’s still Valentine’s Day somewhere (in the future).

RUDE Magazine UK, a saucy little online publication asked me to come up with some sexy tips for Valentine’s Day.  Because I am nothing if not obliging (ha!) I did so, and then deeply bowed as if taking on the gestures of an 18th century aristocrat.  It’s how she roll.  Click HERE to read the piece at RUDE. 

It’s V-day –

Here’s what Nikki has to say on the topic:

  • If it’s flavoured, it’s sticky, and you may want to ask yourself “why do I need my partner’s bits to taste like penis-colada?”  Flavoured stuff is gross, not sexy. BAN IT.
  • When receiving “sexy gifts” – FYI, covering people in chocolate is pretty much a precursor to “hey… So I was thinking… Wanna watch BERLIN BATHROOM WARFARE later?” Run. (Unless you’re into it. I ain’t judgin’ but count me out.)
  • Upon receiving unsuitable floral arrangements – smile; gush, and remove  the offending bouquet from its wrapping.  Then turn abruptly, using your ‘stern unimpressed’ face, and immediate recycle those flowers into floggers. Repeat as desired.  Conclude this lesson with a haughty turn and the sounds of your stilettos clicking toward your boudoir, echoing the implied sentence “I believe you ARE AWARE I prefer OCEANIAS.”  Cue bedroom door.
  • Download the album SECRET SULK by the original love DESTRUCTRICE, DOLLS.  Fits the punishment and the crime.
  • If you’re the type who gets “down” instead of “getting down” on v-day, I suggest the following: source the best champagne you can afford and a similarly love-hating friend.  Attack a centrally located cinema with both, sneaking into romantic films to shout one-liners at the screen while also enjoying the fun of wearing dark sunglasses, posing as the mystery woman who shagged (insert actor/ress here…HA!). After being ejected, head immediately to Cartier/Tiffany’s and loudly demand to try on rings from their “divorce” or “mistress” section.  They HAVE to serve you.  As long as you don’t “appear intoxicated” you’ll get away scot-free to soak up the hangover with twice as much chocolate and floral arrangement – because they’re half price February 15th.

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